Small steps
A phrase I often use in therapy is ‘small steps’. When a client brings a feeling, emotion or behaviour into session we can take time to explore and unpick where these might be attached to or when the client first noticed the feelings began to be present or use a behaviour in their life. Sometimes it might be an emotion or feeling that hasn’t been present in the client’s life. Anger is an emotion or group of intense feelings that often have to be suppressed due to family narrative, having to behave or show up in a certain way, such as calm or polite, or the rising of emotions leading to feelings of anger has led to punishment, being shown disappointment or created shame within the client.
Clients often want to tell people they can’t do something, won’t be able to help, or don’t want to go somewhere but feel stuck. The safety is in the staying the same because it’s familiar and predictable, but underneath they are feeling – the feelings are the information that tells them and me that something needs to shift. But there’s also a reason to stay the same. The unconscious mind is controlling the situation, and clients stay stuck because there are consequences if they do things differently. Learning this and exploring it compassionately can lead to change.
In the process of change or trying something different, small steps are key. These can sometimes be practised in the room. Naming something you’re uncomfortable with, saying no, asking for help, deciding to change a situation. I feel it’s important for a client to tell their story. Tell me what you want to say, what you’ve always wanted to say. This can take time, but the client needs to know and feel I am trustworthy, consistent and clear with boundaries and confidentiality. The more I show this the more likely a client will notice and connect in the room. The more a client can talk through how something feels for them, the more they can own it.
Naming and practising in session can be helpful. Alongside this, when a client messages me to tell me they can’t make a session, this might have been difficult for them too. My compassionate response tells a client that it’s ok to tell me what they need.
The next steps are for a client to begin working on showing up differently outside of the sessions. The client then returns and shares how things felt when they said no or said they preferred to do something differently. This can be transformational for a client’s wellbeing and their relationships. Some of the best moments in therapy.
